The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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