In the future we'll all be gay
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
