The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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