My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
