you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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