I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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