We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
