Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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