i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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