my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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