bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
