I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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