I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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