Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
