Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
