i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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