i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Randomize
