I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Randomize
