i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
