apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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