so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
she smelled like a LAN party
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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