i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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