You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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