The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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