God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
