Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
