they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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