I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
