Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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