my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Randomize
