I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
