i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Randomize
