That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
