it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
