I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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