I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
