genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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