Cold hands, warm shart.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
