I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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