Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
