um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
