Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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