i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
