I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
