I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
