It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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