You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
