you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
