Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
