I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
